Encouragement to myself and those around me.

Every time I sit down to write, I always hate it.

I hate the way I form sentences and how they all sound the same as the last ones. Writing is hard. I crave vulnerability but I rarely know that I do. I ‘m unsatisfied with each day and the lack of connection I’ve had with people. I feel like my mind has all these things I want to share, and when I have the time for it, I divert to doing other mindless tasks, instead.

Being preoccupied with things that are easy to spend time on doesn’t have to be bad. I have to tell myself this. When I spend so much of my time pouring out to others and serving, it seems natural to need to fill back up by getting things out.. But rarely do I ever make it to that point anymore.

I think I’m still processing a lot, and that’s why it’s been hard to put my thoughts into words, let alone make it here, to type them out.

I’ve been saddened by so many people “writing off” 2020. Saying it’s “cancelled” or that they’re “ready for 2021 already.” Yeah, I get that it’s already September and the year is on its way to a close, but I can’t help but dwell on the positives, even despite the personal overwhelming negatives I’ve had to experience this year, completely apart from the world’s pandemic.

Pain is relative, sadness is something that everyone deals with. Loss, grieving, stress. They are all things everyone goes through. I’m the judgmental type — I always have been. So I’m not exempt from the whole “writing things off” thing. I do it all the time to other people, and it sucks. But we have to be willing to be vulnerable, to share despite what other people, even our close friends, might think of us. Honesty, brutal honesty, is one of the only ways to truly connect with someone. And when honesty is robbed, when trust is broken, it’s hard to rebuild and maintain relationship.

I started out this year ready for success. I was fed up with trying so hard and always being met with brick walls. Tired of being okay with being okay, instead of being great and thriving. I’m not a perfect person — I’ve made so many mistakes and said so many lies and backed myself into so many corners. I’ve knowingly chosen what’s bad for me so, so, so many times. I’ve learned that sometimes, you have to be drowning and hit the bottom floor before you can make your way up and be healthy again. And almost always, making your way up requires lots and lots of help.

I committed 2 years of myself to a relationship that ended abruptly this year. I was cheated on, mislead and lied to for a long time. It hurts to think about how long I stayed, knowing deep down that things wouldn’t get better. But that’s the thing about resilience, we hope for the best and we are thankful for what we have, and sometimes that can blind us to the truth. Sometimes the truth is telling you: get out. But alas, I didn’t want to listen. The things that are done in darkness will always come to light, eventually. And that’s exactly what happened.

The pain has been hard, but I feel like I’ve been spared and given a second chance. It’s bittersweet. Changing directions from “ready to get married and invest myself into another person’s family and future” to “I am now single and have no plan for my life” is very weird. I moved out of my family’s home and on my own. My parents moved out of state and started a new life. My life is completely my own now. Sometimes it makes me feel hopeful and alive and other times it makes me sad and scared. But these are normal feelings for someone in their 20s. It’s normal to feel afraid of the future and feel like your life has passed you by, even when it hasn’t. The reality is, even though things all over the world are scary and unpredictable, it’s about the small moments. Those moments that make us human. These are the days you’ll want to remember.

Last minute lunch dates with friends, waking up early to see the sunrise, staying up late watching hospital TV shows, dinners at my siblings houses, making tacos every meal for a week straight, walking to the coffee shop, putting in long hours at work. Investing time in the people around me, wondering where time went, realizing the best friends I have are right in front of me and I didn’t even know it.

Things won’t be like this forever. There is growth around the corner and growth happening right now, going unseen. We are all trying so hard, doing our best and making things happen, despite the world around us. 2020 has birthed so many great ideas and concepts and friendships and laughter and seizing of the day. I don’t want it to end, in a way. I want to open my eyes to the beauty around me and be thankful for it. To extend a helping hand while I’m able and to support and encourage those around me who may be struggling more than I am.

The growth I seek doesn’t come from an empty heart. It doesn’t come from focussing on how I’ve been wronged or what I could have done better. Growth is going to come from being honest with myself and those around me. It’s gonna come from deep forgiveness for those who have hurt me and those who have left. From accepting that I am capable of destruction, but I am equally as capable of beauty and greatness. There has never been a better time to get up, get honest and get working on the things that matter, then right now.

These are the days I’ll want to remember, so I want to make them worth remembering.