God Always Wins

The day I decided to stop reading romance novels, my entire life changed.

I know it doesn't sound like such a big thing, but I promise you, it is.

If you've asked Jesus into your heart and acknowledged that He is the Lord and Savior of your life, then you are, by definition, a Christian. However, I believe that there is a difference between someone who says that they're a Christian, and someone who acts like Christ.

I remember the time in my life when I shifted from just saying that I was a Christian, to actually wanting to live like one.

And when I say 'wanting,' I do mean wanting.

Here's my story...

For a long time, I was actively walking in sin and living my life for sinful things. I listened to music artists I thought were so cool and read love stories by all the popular YA authors. They were my fuel. When I was bored with an album, I'd buy a new one. When I finished one romance novel, I immediately searched Amazon for another. Sometimes I'd purchase 3 or 4 books at a time so that I wouldn't have to wait to start reading the next one. I was living vicariously through girls in songs and in books who had fictionally perfect lives and stories of finding love with some cute boy. It seemed like my life was fabulous, because on the surface, it was. But underneath the layer of satisfaction, there was a deeper need for something more than just the contents of a 300 page book: I wanted my own real love story.

Sure, I could just read another book and feel the same high I felt while reading every other book, only to be let down when I finished it. But honestly, is that how you'd want to live your life? Clinging to book after book, song after song, movie after movie, tv show after tv show... There has to be more to life than that vicious cycle.

All through that period of my life, every now and then, I'd have the same two thoughts run through my head. The first one was like, "My life is great, but it also sucks. I'm indulging in things of this world that I know probably aren't what I should be exposing myself to, but I really don't want to stop because they make me feel good and cool."

The second one was like, "I think I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing and if God wants to use me or make me a different person, He'll do all the work. I'll just wait on Him." When I thought this one, I felt pretty good. 'Waiting on God' is what we're supposed to do, right? Yes...and no. I felt guilty for my actions, but I didn't really want to change. So in my case, I thought I was being this great model Christian for 'waiting on God' to change the way I lived my life. However, I see now that this was definitely a self righteous and lazy way of thinking.

Those two thoughts kept popping up and intruding my sinfilled, teenage-like life for a while. Whenever I thought them, a part of me was convicted. I felt guilty for doing wrong things, but because most of me didn't want to change, I blamed my lack of motivation on God and moved on to do more of  the same wrong things. I wasn't making any effort to change.

I like to compare this back and forth thought cycle I experienced to my current (and probably everlasting) struggle to achieve abs: In my mind, I really want abs. I think about working out aaalll the time. I look at workout related pictures on Pinterest. I talk the talk about getting abs. However, I have, thus far, made no effort to do anything close to an exercise that would challenge my non present ab muscles. There is mental thought motivation, but I'm not doing anything physical to change the fact that I don't have abs. (Note, this isn't the best analogy. Relationship with Jesus is so much more important than abs or anything else in the world, ever.)

However, like my struggle for abs, so was my past struggle to grow close to God. I was bound by my sin and all the sinful things I placed around me, tugging at my attention and my time and my heart.

Months passed and still, nothing had really changed. God was on the back burner for me, maybe not even that. I had set His pot off on the counter and filled up all my burners with more movies and books and music that did the opposite of glorifying God. Yet even then, there was still a small part of me that longed for something different, something that I didn't have to feel guilty for investing myself in.

At this point, a third thought began to intrude itself into my brain, joining the previous two. This one was more of a prayer, though. I simply said, "God, give me the desire to know You and to want to seek You and Your Word, because that is something I do not have right now."

This was my cry for help. I was like, "Alright, something's gotta change. I don't know what or how or when or anything. All I know is that I thought my life was awesome, but now I feel awful and I feel like I missed my chance to change things. Maybe God can help me because I obviously cannot help myself."

Again, a few more months passed of me silently praying this prayer over and over. I can remember doing it whenever it came to my mind during the day: In my car, exiting the freeway, rain pouring down outside. In my room, moving and rearranging my furniture around. Even at church, when worship song lyrics seemed like a beautiful love story that I was missing out on.

(This is where it gets super dramatic, guys.) Then one day, when I finished my last lustful romance novel and I didn't have another one to dive into, I picked up a book that had been sitting on my shelf for over a year. It was (and still is) called How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul. (I've linked the website incase anyone wants to check it out. x) I had started reading the book a summer or two before and stopped reading, probably because it didn't really make sense and I was too immature to understand it. I restarted the book and fell in love right away. (No pun intended....wait. Yeah, pun intended.)

As I read, my spirit was greatly lifted. It was actually refreshing to read about something other than a stupid teenage 'love story.' This book soon made one astonishing point that shifted my entire way of thinking, and is something I will probably never forget: In the beginning of the book, they lay out a list of 10 different guys that, if you want to seek a God-glorifying and Biblically designed relationship, you should avoid. It's pretty funny. Then, they move onto some important qualities that the woman, in this case me, the person reading the book, should strive to achieve before entering into a relationship with a guy. The first thing they mention is that, if you desire to be in an earthly romantic relationship, (which most of us do) you must first establish and grow a solid relationship with God.

Until this point, I hadn't really realized what was fueling my desire for all of those lustful books, movies, music, etc. This is when I had the realization: I wanted my own real love story. My desire for love was a wonderful gift from God, but I was acting upon it prematurely and in all the wrong ways.

This was also the time when I learned that the Bible is one, huge, beautiful love story, and that I was a main character. I was like, "Whoa, wait, what?" Then I was like, "Holy crap, I have done so many wrong things and been such a terrible person and how the heck am I involved in this story?!" Of course, deep down, I knew the answer to that question. Since I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 6 or 7 years old on the couch with my mom in California, I had been a Christian. I knew the general story of the Bible, and I knew that Jesus died for me and my sins. I thought about God and prayed and did good and right things, but until this moment, I hadn't been acting like and living my life for Christ. I was living it for myself.

I really began to grasp the deep, empowering story of the Bible. Everything in it points to Jesus coming to earth, bearing our much deserved cross, dying in our place, washing our sins away forever, and rising from the grave. It is the greatest love story ever told, and in my opinion, a million times better than anything a modern day 'romance author' could write.

I was living a 'half and half' life of wanting to desire to grow closer to God, but still clinging to the sinful things of the world. It was a tug of war, and I'm so pleased to say that God won.

I believe that if God intends to save someone, they will be saved. It may take time, but God always wins. For me, it took months and months of struggling and confusion, but He answered my prayer, and now my heart is on fire for the Lord.

When I look back on the past few years of my life, part of me wishes I would have given up my pride and worldly things and turned to Jesus sooner. If I had done that, though, I might not have much of a story. Sometimes we have to experience the bad so we can truly be able to appreciate the good. Our lives before Jesus are ugly and embarrassing, but when redemption finally happens, our past doesn't matter. All that matters is that Jesus gave His life up for you and me, and because of that, we must turn away from this world and turn towards Jesus and His immense love for us. He is waiting with open arms.

If you're stuck filling your mind and heart with lustful books, movies, tv shows and music, longing for something more, I would encourage you to make a change. What Jesus has in store for us and for our lives is so much better and worth so much more than anything here on earth. I know that because I've experienced it in my own life.

And of course, even once you've committed to living your life for Jesus, it won't be perfect. I have fallen time and time again since my moment of transition and I will continue to fall in the future. But Jesus has never fallen, so I choose to put my hope, my trust and my life in His hands.

Ephesians 1:7 ESV "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace,"

Galatians 2:20 ESV "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Be brave and be different from the rest of this world, my friends.

Till next time,